PAWS Part 1-Animaniacs Fanfic
by J.G. Whitefield
Summary: Yay my first fan fic. A parody of Mr. Spielbergs epic blockbuster Jaws starring Rita and Runt with several cameos from the rest of the Animaniacs cast. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1-An Evening Swim

The year is 1998, Warner Bros. against the pleas of countless fan's and the shows creators deemed the Warner sibs unfit for TV audiences in the new century. Fearing retaliation from the Warner's the new studio executives ordered their films be scattered amongst smaller networks and the siblings locked permanently away in the water tower never to be seen again. There they remained until one day…. When the Warner's escaped!

(Singing) It's time for Animaniacs  
And we're zany to the max  
So just sit back and relax  
You'll laugh 'til you collapse  
We're animan-iacs

Come join the warner brothers  
And the Warner sister, Dot  
Just for fun we run around the Warner movie lot  
They lock us in the tower  
Whenever we get caught  
But we break loose and then vamoose  
and now you know the plot

We're animaniacs  
Dot is cute and Yakko yaks  
Wakko packs away the snacks  
While Bill Clinton plays the sax  
We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe  
Good Feathers flock together, Slappy whacks 'em with her purse  
Buttons chases Mindy while Rita sings a verse  
The writers flipped we have no script why bother to rehearse

We're animaniacs  
We have pay or play contracts  
We're zany to the max  
There's baloney in our snacks  
We're animany  
Totally insaney  
Angry Dick Cheney

A-n-I-m-a-n-I-a-c-s  
Those are the facts.

We enter into a luxurious library brimming with the finest literary selections mankind has to offer, Dickens, Plato, Faulkner, and Cosmo. Seated upon a red velvet chair trimmed in a brilliant gold, Yakko Warner idly thumbs through a book. Brother and sister Wakko and Dot sit transfixed on Yakko adorned in his disaterpiece theater garb. "Tonight dear viewers we've selected quite the intriguing tale." Yakko slowly takes a drag from his bubble pipe looking out at the audience then back to his siblings. "Has it got a mean hairy Ogre?" Wakko twists his face as though to portray the very creature of which he speaks. "Or a fairy princes." Dot flutters her eyelashes and inches forward waiting on Yakkos reaction. "Unfortunately due to legal constraints our tale tonight will not feature such characters screaming for a parody." Yakko turns to the camera, clearly with no respect for the third wall. "Between you and me we're lucky to get away with anything now when these wonderful new network censors are here." "What's the story about?!" "Well dear siblings that is what we are about to find out." Yakko begins reading.

"Our story begins in a not too far way time in a not too far away land. Possibly New Jersey or New England judging from the disgruntled drivers and pollution. Here on a little island called Shamity our story shall start but before it ends it'll be far from a thick plot."

Mr. Director prances down a powdery white beach back lit by the setting sun. "A true comedic genius must occasionally take an evening swim to clear his mind of artistic impulse." He hastily tosses his blue suit and pants aside to reveal a swim cap and accompanying Speedo. "My what a beautiful evening. This would be the perfect place to shoot my next film….Sandy the lonely horseshoe crab." Paddling slowly away from the shore line Mr. Director stops for a quick breath looking back towards the rapidly fading sun. "Ahh…this is the life no spooky puppy dog children in sight, no anvils or crazy gags, just me and my genius thoughts." Out of no where Mr. Director submerges the camera franticly pans around to discover his whereabouts. He appears several feet away gasping for air. "What was that?! Oye, please no more of the creepy dragging under the water!" A look of sheer terror planted on his face as he treads water transfixed on whatever horrible creature lurks beneath. Again he's suddenly thrust across the water all the while screaming. "Please, Oh please don't let me be eaten! Froynlaven! I am not as tasty as I look! Please stop with the dragging and the chewing! Managing one final froynlaven Mr. Director was dragged beneath the surf.

The next Morning…

A small grey cat accompanied by cream colored dog wandered along the soft white sand. Rita knew they wouldn't last long out here once the sun was up. The sand was already starting to burn her soft white paws. "Rita?" Runt stopped mesmerized by something ahead. "Huh, what is it Runt?" "What's that big thing over there?" Runt tilted his head toward a large billboard just up ahead of the pair. "It's a billboard for something." The two approached the sign to get a better look. Rita looking up read the sign: "SHAMITY ISLAND WELCOMES YOU." Beneath that was a picture of some fat guy, possibly Ralph in a dinghy. "Eckk." Rita cringed at the sight of it. "Seriously…humans have no sense of modesty." She thought to herself as Runt sniffed the air scampering away toward whatever alluring smell lay ahead. "Is there ever a moment of rest with this mutt?" "Rita!, Rita! I found something. Yea definitely found something." Panting- "What is it this time Runt, another piece of drift wood?" As Rita slowly caught her breath she spotted her companions find. "Wha-What is it Rita?" "I don't know!…Looks like a big pile of sh-" Rita stopped mid sentence as the mound of what appeared to be seaweed rustled. Her sense of imminent danger grew as the mound crept closer. Runt throwing caution to the wind grabbed a thick strand of kelp from the pile playfully tugging at it. "Wait Runt it could be dangerous!" The strand of kelp unexpectedly broke revealing a human.

Rita could feel her heart thundering through her white chest fur, the abrupt act of this strange looking human falling from a thick kelp mound coupled with chasing Runt were about all her little body could take. Besides that it wasn't getting any cooler out here as the sun hovered above, cruelly chastising the pair with it's sizzling ray's. "Rita it's a mermaid! Oh boy oh boy, I wonder if he's got a little lobster friend?" Rita shot her companion a look of disdain as she approached the human. He looked harmless enough, with disproportionate facial features like a cartoon, but still nothing screamed danger to her. Cautiously she gently poked the humans shoulder. "POOOSSSSSH!" A stream of sea water jetted from the humans mouth directly into Rita face. "Wonderful…just what I needed a nice bath." Runt looked puzzled for a moment. "But Rita you said you hate water. Yep definitely hate it." She held back her growing anger, unfortunately her sarcasm was often lost on her dimwitted friend.

"Oye Hello!" The limp Mr. Director sprang to life jumping out of his comatose state sending the pair back in fear. "Aw how cute! Look it's a little Kitten and Puppy Dog!" The humans shrill voice was like grinding sand paper and twisted metal dragged across a chalkboard to Rita's sensitive ears. Clenching her jaw Rita saw no reason why she shouldn't claw that stupid look off this schmucks face. "Kitten?…Who the heck does he think he is calling me a kitten?! Why I otta…" "Woof!" Runt lept up on the human slobbering all over his face. "Terrific!" Rita thought to herself, although she couldn't help but admire her dumb companions loving behavior toward anyone even when they were planning to do him harm. "Ahahaah your so friendly puppy! I'll call you Mr. Woofer's! Where's your little friend? Oye there she is! Spotting Rita before she could sneak away. Mr. Director scooped the two up squeezing them in an Elmyraesque fashion. "Thank you ever so much for finding me!" He let go of the pair. "I thought for sure I was a goner. With the water and the pushing and the pulling and the Froynlaven!" Mr. Director looked over the pair. "What are you two doing out here all alone?" Could this be it? Their chance to finally find a home. However irritating this human was it would still be a place for the two of em', with food a bed and a nice big backyard for Runt. Rita thought to herself as she waited for the human to extend his hospitality. "Oh that's right you two can't talk…Well I must be going I'm needed in Hollywood for my next big project! Good luck you two!"

Mr. Director ran out of sight over the sand dunes in his Speedo flaying his arms around shouting Froynlaven. Her heart sank as the lunatic faded from view. She struggled to keep her composure for fear of frightening Runt. "Eh, Figures" Rita softly spoke as she licked her paw in disgust. "Wow what a great guy! Huh Rita…I bet we'll meet more nice people out here!" Rita shook her head. "How can he stay so upbeat at a time like this?" "Runt we still don't have zip, zilch, nadda! No home no food…nothing plus we're stuck on this stupid island!" Runt gazed at her with his big saucer shaped eye's clearly upset by his friends comments. "But Rita-" "Typical human! Tooo busy to take in a couple of strays. Makes me sick."

(Singing)

We've been from Bangkok to Barbados on this ball of dirt.

Still nothing ever seems to be what it's worth.

We're better of alone without no stinkin' humans.

They say they like you and tell you nice things

But nothing' turns out like your dreams

We don't ever need no stinkin' humans

We'll go it alone like we always do

Probably never find a place for me and you

It's always the same thing with those stinkin' humans.

"Uh Rita?" "What is it now Runt?!" Rita realized she'd frightened her friend with the out burst and put her paw on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Runt it's just always the same thing happens to us wherever we go." "It's ok Rita. I know your upset." Runts calm demeanor and understanding surprised even her. "How could he be so compassionate after the way I yelled at him?" "But there's a town up there. Yep definitely a town." Runt tilted his head towards the beach ahead of them. Rita could make out the small tiled roofs and white picket fences of a quaint New England town bordered by the towering masts of schooners. "Well Runt" Patting him on the head. "I think our luck might of just finally changed."

To be continued….


	2. Chapter 2-Welcome To Shamity!

The air smelt of the crisp popcorn and fresh cotton candy as the steady tune of a nearby marching band electrified the air. Rita and her companion were barely noticed by the enthralled crowd. "Jeeze they must be givin' stuff away here. Wait a sec… Runt what day is it?' Rita questioned her companion knowing his somehow exceptional grasp of dates, times, and numbers. "Definitely the 4th of July Rita. 185th day of the year. Yup 185th day. 4,440 hours. 266, 400 minutes. 15, 98-" "Ok big guy I got it! Well at least that explains all these humans running around like zombies."

"Get ya T-shirts, T-shirts here!" Slappy Squirrel hackled above the crowd holding up T-Shirts labeled PAWS. "What?" Looking towards the camera. "I'm gonna get my moneys worth out of this show?" "Uh, Aunt Slappy what are we doing here?" Skippy Squirrel questioned his aunts motives as he passed her a box filled with cheap merchandise. "Marketing my boy. If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of showbiz, it's that you gotta market a film while the selling is good!" "But won't we get sue-" "Skippy Steven and I go way back I'm sure he'll understand. Besides how do ya think I'm gonna buy you that Kitendo Kawasaki Blender thingy?" Skippy cheerfully smiled as he continued to assist his aunt in hackling. "Coffee Mugs get ya PAWS coffee mugs here!"

There it was, their one way ticket to Feed Me Ville. Fresh broiled hot dog's glistened in the sun as the captivating aroma filled her mind with the heavenly thought of a delectable hot meal. Her stomach growled in approval. "We need a plan." Rita pondered as her eye's looked toward the hot dog cart. Unfortunately Ralph stood in their way, pretending to actually be cooking the hot dog's, an offish Wolfgang Puck. She looked back over at her doltish partner in crime with a copasetic look of compliance plastered on his face. "Hmm…" A brilliant idea shot through her feline mind like a firecracker. "Say Runt? Runt? R-r-r-r-u-u-u-n-n-nt?" Runt looked over at his companion with his usually goofy smile. "Yea Rita what's up?" "See those humans over there?" Pointing towards the large line of customers in front of the cart. "I bet they've got lot's and lot's of chew toy's in there pockets." "OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! CHEW TOY'S!" Without hesitation the large mutt bolted over to the line crashing through the patrons.

As the screams ensued Rita put her scheme into action. Crouching low to the sidewalk she slowly stalked her way toward the other side of hot dog cart. Waiting for the right moment to strike. Ralph captivated by the calamity occurring in front was oblivious to the small grey cat crawling into the hot dog compartment. "Bingo!" Rita grabbed a hotdog hastily making her way out. Unknowingly her back paw clicked the carts brake lever up as she made her escape. Just about ready to leap from the cart, delicious loot in mouth, her body was thrust down as the cart slowly began to creak forward. "Uh oh…"

Ralph looked back toward his hot dog cart which was quickly speeding away through the unsuspecting crowd. "Dah…wait a second! Come back here!" "RUNT HELP!" Runt knew that voice anywhere. It was Rita and she sounded like she was in trouble. He looked up through the pile of bystanders he'd knocked over. The hot dog cart rocketed down hill, Rita holding on for her life, followed by Ralph lumbering along in hot pursuit. Runt wasted no time leaping over the destruction he'd caused shooting toward the hot dog cart.

"Ugh I think I'm gonna hurl." Rita managed to pin her body to the roof of the cart digging her claws into it's metal exterior. "Note to self. Next time get a free meal minus the wheels." "Rita?" Runt had managed to pass Ralph trailing right behind her. "Hey Runt up here." "Hi Rita whatcha doing?" "Oh I don't know… maybe trying not to be road kill! You mind helping me here?!" Her partner managed to leap up onto the back side of the cart holding on by his teeth. _Muffled "_This is really fun Rita we should do this all the time." Rita looked back at him in bewilderment, anger, and terror. Fortunately her brilliant friend managed to get on the cart, however the added weight had caused it to actually speed up. Sparks flying from it's spokes as it heaved over the concrete.

Meanwhile…

Music.

"Welcome to the 45th annual Shamity Island Regatta!" Mayor Plotz declared through the microphone as he stood on stage with Sheriff Scratchansniff and several other civic leaders. Several reporters rushed the stage, flash bulbs distracting Mayor Plotz from his script. Tugging at his collar. "Mmph….As I was saying we're honored you all chose to spend your 4th of July weekend here in lovely Shamity. This years Regatta we've managed to have 3 winners." This was met by several of the other civic leaders snickering. "More like 3 survivors." Glaring towards his compatriots on stage. "Like I said we've had 3 winners this year. Here to present this years awards is miss Shamity Island herself." Hello Nurse, dressed in a pageant gown, walked across the stage accompanied by a sensual jazz riff from the marching band. "HELLO NURSE!" Yakko and Wakko heckled from the audience melting in their seats. Wakko looked toward the camera winking. "We get bump pay for these cameos."

Hello Nurse whispered into the microphone. "Our winners this year are Sal-" "Wait a second! Wait just one second man!" Dennis Hopper grabbed the microphone from Hello Nurse. "We got like a serious problem here people." Plotz face began to resemble a fiery coal. "There's still that lawyer man!" Gasps from the crowd. "That's right man! This lawyer he won't stop man…won't stop till' everything is litigated man!" Mr. Plotz began trying to steal the microphone away from Hopper. "I assure we've already caught the lawyer…" "What about the bite radius?! The bite radius ain't the same man!" Sheriff Scratchansniff leaned over to the now fuming Plotz. "He dose have a point…Maybe we should close the beaches." "Absolutely not! We are a beach town we need those beaches open!" "Close the beaches man! Yea that's right people. This lawyer…all he does is litigate, swim, and make little lawyers man!" Plotz by now about to explode with pure anger. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" Clutching the microphone away from Dennis Hopper. "I'm not gonna tell all these people they can't swim at our beaches because it's clearly not safe. We're a summer town we need summer dollars, their dollars!" The crowd gasped at Plotz tasteless comment. He looked out at the audience a terror on his face realizing his comment had been projected over the PA. "Now…now what I meant to say was…." CRRRRASSSSHHH! As if on queue the hot dog cart slammed into the stage causing it to collapse.

In the subsequent chaos Rita and Runt managed to poke their heads through the rubble. "Remind me to take a cab next time." She instructed Runt as little birds fluttered around her head. "Can we do that again Rita!? Huh can we!?" "I think I'm going to lay down." Ralph grabbed the two thieves by their backs. "Ah-ha gotcha ya you bad bad animals." Rita struggled to break free unsheathing her claws and hissing toward her assailant while Runt remained cheerful as ever. "What's the meaning of this!" Poltz looked at Ralph clearly back to his normal high tension demeanor. "Dah I was selling hot dog's and then-" Dennis Hooper clawed his way through the rubble continuing to rant on their impending doom. Sheriff Scratchansniff chimed in with he's opinion about how they should "rethink" their approach to the situation. BBBBAAAAANNNNGGGG! The arguing characters gulped on their words as the shot gun blast echoed throughout the town.

All attention turned towards Robert Shaw sitting in one of the plastic chairs in the front row dressed in a PAWS t-shirt. "No, no owver here!" The sultry voice stammered. The gazes were now fixed upon Elmer Fudd leaning back all cool kid like in his chair cradling his twin barreled shot gun. Rita couldn't understand what all these stupid humans were going on about. That fatso finally let go of her and Runt but their escape was soon quashed. "Uh Rita?" "Come on Runt let's amscray! This is our chance to get outta here!" "But…I'm stuck, definitely stuck." Poor Runts paw was sandwiched in between two planks keeping him from following his companion. "Uhhg… never an easy moment with this guy is there?" She tried as best she could to free her entrapped friend but all their hopes soon dwindled when Elmer Fudd approached the stage or rather what used to be the stage. "Iw'll catch this wawyer for you. But it won't be easy orw cheap. Twenty wollars for that you get his head his suit the whole wascally wawyer." Plotz looked over at Scratchansniff. "He can't be serious right? Twenty dollars is chump change." "Well it is 1972 the dollars a little bit more valuable sir." "Whell what'll it be?" Plotz shook Elmer Fudds hand. "Mr. Fudd you have yourself a deal!" "Good but first Iw'll need some live bate." "GULP" Fudd approached Rita and Runt his shadow looming over them as an evil grin crept across his face. "Pwerfect just what I need a cat. Wawyers love live cat's."

To be continued….


	3. Chapter 3: Bon Voyage

We see our imprisoned protagonists, Rita and Runt, locked in ill-fitting cages aboard the "The Wabbit" a highly un-seaworthy vessel. "Oh my littal Otto! Please, please don't go! I don't vant to see you end up like the others!" Sheriff Scratchansniff struggled to break free from his wife's smothering embrace, gasping for air, as the Hefty Bavarian women continued to squeeze him tighter and tighter. _Cough! "_Now now my lovely schnitzelphruber Mr. Fudd is prepared for anything we come across out there, please don't worry…" _BANG! _Scratchnsniffs goodbye was cut short as a spear shot into a nearby plank just inches away from his head. "Heh-heh-heh-heh. Sowwy about that! I'll wave to get that whecked out when we get back." Fudd, clearly embarrassed, pretended to fix the misfiring spear gun. "Whopper what's that piece of junk your wringing aboawd my wessel!" Dennis Hopper struggled to lift an unusually massive crate labeled ACME aboard the Wabbit. "It's film equipment man! I'm gonna get some nice shots of this bad boy before you go and catch em'! " Elmer Fudd was clearly irritated by Hoppers actions. "Wilm equipment! We ain't shootin' no woive here Mr. Whooper…we're going wawyer hunting!" "Well that's like what you're here for man. I'm getting total coverage of this trip man. Rolling Stone will dig this epic voyage. It's like Moby Dick meets A Few Good Men, you can't get any better than that!" "Ugh." Fudd shook his head in disgust. "Just don't get in my way Mr. Whooper orw you'll be trading places with the wanimals here."

"Great, just great! This is fantastic we're stuck on this rinky dinky boat with Moe, Larry, and Curly!" Rita struggled to come to terms with their predicament. A chance for a free meal had spiraled into a disaster with both them now fish bait and stuck with this nut Fudd. "You forgot Shemp. Definetly forgot Shemp, Rita." Rita placed paw to her face shaking her head at her companions ever optimistic and oblivious nature. "How can you be so calm and cool Runt? We're clearly on the menu for this lawyer thing they keep going on about." Runt simply stared back at his compatriot, that ever present dumb look on his face. "Lawyers are an important part of the judicial system…definitely important. "Wait a sec how do you even know what judicial means?" "Well in a democra…" "Never mind Runt…What I was trying to get at was how you can be so happy when we're locked up on this stinkin' fish trawler waiting to be the main course for some sea monster?" Runt looked around his cage trying his hardest to grasp what the little gray cat had just said. "Does this mean ….we're going on a fishing trip Rita!? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy I love fishing!" Rita brushed the accumulated dust from her fur trying to hold back her growing temper. _Sarcastically "_Yep…you got it big guy we're all going on a big fishing trip. We'll have a grand ole' time while that lawyer gobbles us up!" Runt began to wag his tail in excitement. "That's so much fun Rita! Definitely lots of fun!" "Yep a real barrel of laughs…" Rita proceeded to wrap her tail around one of the crates rusty bars seeing if by any chance they might give out under some force. _"_SIGH." No such luck, it appeared our two heroes were trapped for now.

(Singing)

I'll never understand this crazy mutt

Never seems to understand what is what

How can be so happy all the stinkin' time?

Every day it's the same old thing

It's definitely this, definitely that with everything

How can he not even know I'm a stinkin' cat?

"A CAT? WHERE'S THE FILTHY FELINE? I'LL CHOMP EM' TO BITS! Runt proceeds to whirl around his crate in search of this supposed feline.

Always with the same ole' gag

Our writers seem to be a bunch of hacks

Why am I stuck with such a pain in the…

"QUITE WOTH OF YOU!" Fudd loomed over our two furry protagonists, looking down in disdain at the crooning cat. "No mwore meowing orw you forw a pewmanent swim." "_I'll show you a permanent swim jerk." _Rita tried her best to keep down the swelling torrent of anger, unsheathing her claws into the cold metallic floor of the crate. "What a jerk huh Rita!?" "Heh, you took the words right out of my mouth Runt." Maybe Runt knew a lot more than he let on…perhaps there was still a chance for them to escape. At least now Rita was reminded of how loyal her thick headed companion could be.

"HA, HA, HA, HA!" Elmer Fudd and Dennis Hooper rolled around on the deck hysterically laughing at Sheriff Scratchnsniffs ridiculous get up. He was draped from the neck down in yellow rubbers, resembling the Gorton's frozen fish captain. Wiping the tears from their eye's, the wise cracks ensued. "You going crab fishing or somethin' man!" "No-no he's weally cwome to sell us the fweshest catch fwom the supwermawket!" Scratchnsniffs Bavarian behemoth of a wife stepped in to end the humiliating taunts only to add to poor Scratchnsniffs dilemma. "Leave my littal snookybuns alone. He'z got more courage than you two bums have in your pinky fingas!" "Ah, ha, ha maybe he should get some matching yellow gloves to!" "Orw an eye patch!" "You leave him alone!" The wise cracks and his wife's unintentional public humiliation began to eat away at his patience till finally something inside snapped. "THAT IZ ENOUGH! We are here to catch a lawyer are we not? Then let's go catch a lawyer." "Alwight snookybuns we'll be on ouw way." Fudd made his way up to the bridge while Dennis Hooper examined some of his film equipment. Scrathnsniffs wife began to uncontrollably sob, chocking him with another hug. "Oh Otto pleaze, pleaze, don't leave me! Why can't you let that joke for a mayor go instead?!" "It is quite alright my strudahbaker they need me." "Who that bug eyed hippie and creepy little bald man with the speech impediment?" "No the people of Shamity, I owe it to them as their Sheriff." "Oh you're such a hero my brave littal snookybuns!" SMMMMMOOOOCCCCHHHH. Otto grew weak in the knees after the prolonged kiss. "Wwap it up down there!" Fudd hollered as the vessel sputtered to life belching thick black smoke and several unpromising sparks. Mrs. Scratchnsniff tried to jump aboard crashing into the water bellow soaking all aboard. "Aw man my cameras. Look at what your crazy wife did to my cameras man!"

"Well here we go Runt." " Where are we going Rita huh…where are we going." "Hopefully someplace better than this dump of an island." The Wabbit began to creep away from it's dock, ahead lay the unknown….

To be continued….


End file.
